THE NUCLEAR DACHSHUND
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dogfight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
STRICT, UNBENDING RULES FOR STRAY CATS
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on Dogbyte's computer keyboard when he is relieving himself at alt.binaries.asdfjjhpmn9ugq[98e67b'c130cuibh]08h.
Law of Cat Inertia
Law of Cat Motion
Law of Cat Magnetism
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Law of Cat Stretching
Law of Cat Sleeping
Law of Cat Elongation
Law of Cat Obstruction
Law of Cat Acceleration
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Law of Rug Configuration
Law of Obedience Resistance
First Law of Energy Conservation
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Law of Refrigerator Observation
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
Law of Cat Embarrassment
Law of Milk Consumption
Law of Furniture Replacement
Law of Cat Landing
Law of Fluid Displacement
Law of Cat Disinterest
Law of Pill Rejection
Law of Cat Composition
ARE CATS WOMEN?
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
Conclusion: They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
ARE DOGS MEN?
Dogs: Lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house Can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. Can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. Growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be left alone, they want to play. Are great at begging. Will love you forever if you rub their tummies. Leave their toys everywhere. Do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Remember what you said only as long as you are in their line of sight.
Conclusion: Dogs are little MEN in fur coats.
MORE ON DOGS AND MEN
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
Both take up too much space on the bed.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
WHERE DOGS FALL SHORT
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
Dogs don't ask what are you thinking.
DEAD DOG TESTS
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and, after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room, comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador Retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?!?!" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab tests.
WHAT TO DO WITH A DEAD HORSE
Buy a stronger whip.
Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."
Appoint a committee to study the horse.
Arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
Increase the standards to ride dead horses.
Appoint a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
Create a training session to increase our riding ability.
Compare the state of dead horses in today's environment vs. in history.
Change the requirements, declaring, "This horse is not dead."
Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
Declare that "No horse is too dead to beat."
Provide additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
Fund a study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper dead."
Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
STUPID BIRD TRICK
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the frigging boat?"
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